Breaking Up with My Flab

Dear Flab-

This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s got to be done. You’ve been like an unwanted house guest. I want you to leave…you’ve overstayed your welcome…but I’m too much of a wimp to say “Get out of my life!” I’ve tried to tell you how I feel…to tell you that you aren’t wanted. But when I start, I end up stopping because it just seems too hard to let you go.



Well, fortunately for me, and unfortunately for you, I’ve had a change of heart. It’s time for you to go. So pack your bags, and don’t let my front door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!


It’s going to hurt at first when you see me with an apple instead of chocolate, but eventually the pain will go away. It will be a slow process, because we’ve been so attached to each other these last few years. But trust me, its better this way. You tempt me with French fries, and “Don’t go to the gym today! Stay at home on the couch with me and watch TV!”

You saucy minx, you. I’m done with your empty promises.

We’ve been nothing but bad for each other. First you started coming onto me lightly, then one day I woke up and you had totally consumed me…all 35 pounds of you. Well, my friend, your time is up. We can still be friends…we can see each other on Saturdays and share a tempting treat. But we can’t have the relationship we used to. No more birthday cake at the office…French fries at a lunch outing. It feels good at first, but the effects are detrimental to my emotional and physical being.


It will be a slow healing process, but it’s the best thing for both of us. It’s not you, it’s me. We can still be friends. I love you, I’m just not “in love” with you.


You’re truly bad for me, so I need to make a clean break. Goodbye, my friend. I’ll be dropping you one horrid pound at a time…and I won’t look back. You’ll find someone else who will love you more than I do. But until then, don’t come running back to me, because we’re through. For real this time.