The Tale of Mr. Slithery

Tonight was a traumatic night. Let me weave you a tale.


I had a much-needed haircut appointment at 7:00. On the way, I figured I'd hit up Kohls to make a return and Old Navy, because, why not? 


With my Kohls return in hand, I walked into my garage and turned the corner to go around my car into the driver's side door. Then....I saw it. A slithery, slimy, giant black SNAKE. Flopping around. Standing at attention when he saw me. Did I mention, flopping? 


I'm not sure how, but I didn't scream. Instead, I ran back into the house and shut the door. Then ran over to my neighbor's where I asked if I could "borrow" her husband to kill the slithery reptile.  


He came armed with a garden shovel, rake and hedge trimmers. And his 8 year old son, who thought it was cool. My shrieking drew the attention of the neighbor across the street (who I hadn't met yet...finding a snake is a great way to meet the neighborhood.) So they both went to it. Poking Mr. Slithery out of my garage and into the rose bushes. Where, after a struggle, he met his demise with a pair of hedge clippers. 


He was a black snake. About 3 feet long. Girthy. Wriggly. And I realize karma may come back to bite me in the ass someday for orchestrating the murder of an innocent snake...but he WAS breaking and entering. So, I think it's self defense. I'm just saying. And don't worry, I paid the neighbors in wine. Because that's all I had to offer.


And now? My car is NOT parked in the garage. My dear, sweet mother stayed on the phone with me as I ran into the garage and dove through my passenger seat. I made it to Kohls (I do have priorities), but I did miss my hair appointment. And now, the car is in the driveway. In case Mr. Slithery told his friends. Or they're coming to avenge his death. Or he's a she and she had babies.